The Fire of Feminist Fury
Feeling the feelings and letting them change me.
The fiery rage of feminism is burning hot lately Even the subtlest waft of misogyny is a fan to this flame I'm learning that the soft licks of fire require space to move a space just as fluid as the flame They are shapeshifting hot and fierce This fire is one I have been told to stifle and smother all my life (and so have my ancestors) This fire, I'm learning, is not one to be contained But rather, to light the way
Recently on a phone call my sister said to me. “We’ve got to talk about your goodreads… I’m concerned. You need to read something lighter.”
I think she said it in a partly joking way, but also totally serious. It made me laugh because it was a light shining in on my internal world and the whirlwind of words and realities that have been marinating inside of me. A little bit of a reality check, if you will.
Lately, I’ve been reading the most feminist books I can find. Not necessarily out of choice, but out of happenstance. A book found on the shelf in an old book store on Saltspring island, a title suggested through a birth-centered podcast I listen to, a book referenced from another book I’m reading. And one thing leads to another, I’ve been devouring fiery, hot, real, academic, valid, intelligent, emotional, intuitive, rageful, grounded, change-making reads.
For context, here are some of the books I’ve been reading or have added to my list (the titles that my sister would have seen):
Rape of the Wild: Man’s Violence against Animals and the Earth - I highly recommend this one!
Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy
No, these reads haven’t been necessarily fun, but they’ve been important.
I often gaslight myself in terms of kind of thinking, “it’s not really as bad as I think it is.”
And by ‘it’ I mean the oppressive history against women, people of colour and other marginalized or othered peoples. By ‘it’, I mean the patriarchal history that has taken away the rights and autonomy of oppressed people. By ‘it’, I mean the patriarchal system that has turned the natural world into something to conquer and tame, and by doing so has also devalued women and animals. By ‘it’, I mean the misogynistic culture of toxic masculinity that exists today. By ‘it,’ I mean the racism that is inherent in these systems. By ‘it’, I mean the patriarchy-laden conventional medical system that has taken the intuitive autonomy of the individual and placed it instead in the hands of an external physician. By ‘it’, I mean the politicization of birthing bodies and reproductive rights. (I could go on, and on.)
I catch myself so often in this state of gaslighting myself, because HOW ON EARTH COULD THIS SYSTEM PERSIST?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? How on earth could this actually be real?!!! How on earth has this been the history of the world????!!!! How on earth has misogyny and the patriarchy been able to persist so long, so deeply and so harmfully in all of the corners of the earth????? How on earth is it that we can not point to the specific men that have led the way and overthrow them? How is it, that these ideas are so engrained, so nuanced and subtle, that it’s often so hard to catch and it’s only after the fact that you think to yourself ‘huh, that wasn’t quite right’?
But, it has. And it’s real. And it’s been real for a very long time. And every time I pick up one of these books, I am reminded of this. And often, when I go out into the world, I am reminded of this. And more often than not, when I immerse myself in the conventional medical world, whether for seeking support for myself, or hearing stories from my patients, or listening to lectures or reading books from medical doctors, whatever it may be - I am reminded of this.
And it makes me absolutely furious.
But I understand that education is power and information is power. I understand that the more I know, the more change I am able to make in the world. The more I know, the more I can share. The more I can support myself in navigating the world, the more I can support my patients, my friends, my family and my future children.
Anger is the emotion that I struggle with the most.
And partly I think this is because women, in history, have been told to be complacent, timid and pleasing. We’ve been told to keep quiet, and to not cause a problem. But this anger is real - not only for myself but for all marginalized people, for the planet that is suffering so, and for all the animals and sentient beings that are caused to suffer at the hards of the patriarchy.
Recently, what I came to realize is that my anger needed an opportunity to run its course. But not in the way I thought. I was ready to yell, scream, run, kick - allowing the somatic experience of release. But instead, I sat with my husband, in the presence of other soft men. In soft music. Under blue skies and summer evening sun. And I realized: